Acceptance and Boundaries

Acceptance and/or Boundaries

by Linda Heron Wind, Ph.D.

It seems that some of the resistance we have to accepting what comes our way is that we think it means that we have no control or that we have to like it or, worse yet, it will always be that way - or that it means that we have to allow people to do whatever they want without responding. I think that this is the understanding of acceptance that we learned as children - that we had to "accept" or allow whatever parents or adults did to us and we had no say or control.

Another misconception we developed as children was that to set limits or boundaries we needed to either judge someone or something as "wrong" or we needed to be angry. As a result, many adults still set boundaries with judgments and anger because it feels like the only justifiable way to set them. Anger is also instrumental in that it often leads to others backing off or not challenging you - so in that sense it does create boundaries but also destroys connection in the process.

So we often walk away from childhood with the notion that we either accept things the way they are or get judgmental or angry and those are two mutually exclusive choices. But there are other ways to be in acceptance and set boundaries that do not conflict with each other and that maintain good relationships.

Acceptance of what arises in the moment is based on the premise that there is a purpose to what enters your life. Life is not just random events that you must overcome or deal with. A further premise is that everyone involved in whatever has come up is doing the best they can do in that moment. I believe we all have good intentions from our own views of the world. Accepting, then, means that you are not fighting with the situation but are willing to look at it to see what it is there to tell you. It certainly does not mean that you cannot set boundaries or that it is something you want to let continue.

Taking it a step further, loving acceptance means that regardless of what comes into your experience, you stay in a love vibration while you determine how you will respond. It does not mean that you cannot respond or set boundaries, just that you stay in a loving feeling place while you do. For example, if you have interviewed for a job you would really would like, but are told that you have not been selected, there are several ways you might respond: you could be angry with the interviewer; you could get down on yourself for not being good enough; or you could center yourself, connecting with your heart, and ask for guidance on why you had this experience. Only the latter response will move you toward the goal of getting the job you want.

If the response you choose is to set a boundary, when you remain in the love vibration, you set the boundary with love rather than with anger or judgment. For example, if a person become abusive with you, you might say something like, "You know, I'm not sure what is going on for you that you need to talk to me like this but it doesn't work for me. If you want to talk about what is going on for you, I am willing to listen, otherwise I need to leave for a while and we can talk about it later." So you are taking responsibility for what you are currently willing or not willing to do while not blaming the other for the situation. It is important that you don't feel like blaming even though you might not be verbally blaming. You are accepting what is happening without blame but choosing to create the boundaries that allow you to feel safe now while maintaining connection.

Perhaps the hardest part of this loving acceptance is realizing that to be loving toward yourself or another person doesn't mean that you necessarily like the behavior or that you can't set boundaries for the behavior. When you stay in the loving place, it allows you to stay connected with the other person and yourself while you communicate what does and doesn't work for you in that situation. It acknowledges that perhaps this was the best the other person could do in that moment while you stay connected to your heart and do the best you can do right now. Given that this is ideal, as two people will often get their buttons pushed at the same time, it is an ideal to work toward while being in loving acceptance of yourself when you don't live up to this ideal.

Loving acceptance is a feeling not an action. The action will follow if the feeling is present. It is a very authentic place that honors yourself and others through love and connection. It is this feeling level in your heart that lets you know what works for you and what doesn't. When you are in true loving acceptance, boundaries are set very naturally because you love yourself as well as the other. Anger and judgment just muddy the waters and keep you from creating safe space for yourself - safe, connected space full of peaceful acceptance of what is.

Loving acceptance
What is not part of the One
A piece of the Whole?

If you have comments on these articles or ideas for future topics, call Linda Heron Wind at (585) 924-5620 or send e-mail to LHWind@aol.com.

Page last modified Jan 4, 2004 by RMC